The only reason she’s on my mind is one of the interviews I listened to this evening claimed her East Coast family is mafia. I have no idea? What I do know is she is a bitch.

The first time I met here was during a river rafting excursion in Bali. My boyfriend at the time and I are stayed at an Aman resort in Ubud (we were like 24 years old) and took a river rafting trip with another couple who happened to be from the Bay Area too. We would always say we were from Marin because we were proud of it and were suspicious of others who replied they were from the Bay Area. The other couple introduced themselves as Paul and Nancy and would not give up any information which we thought was quite odd – we were the only 4 on the trip. I don’t know how we found out she was in the local government at the time but we also invited them out to dinner in Hong Kong afterwards and they ignored our invitation. At home, I would see Paul in my gym, the Bay Club, and thought he was handsome and even speculated whether he was a player. But, I’ve never been into older men so the thoughts never went further than that.

The second time was at the Democratic Convention in Los Angeles. My friend Lezlie was the assistant for Walter Shorenstein who hosted the event, I believe, which is why I was invited. Lezlie seated me at the same table as Nancy and her daughter. I reminded Nancy we met in Bali and all she was concerned with was what I did then and who I was. When she realized I was a “nobody” she actually had her table changed and I never saw her again during the event. Isn’t that funny and short sighted? Sure, maybe I was “nobody” to help her rise to where she currently is at the moment, but I will be “somebody” when the shit hits the fan and she’s grasping for her life and looking for meaning as to what this “reality” is all about and seeking survival.

There is supposed to be a line about RFID chips in her 1,700 page health care proposal…let’s chip you, you unkind bitch.

Well, not alone, Booda is here with me. It’s rainy though warm so thank God for that. Was gonna go to mom’s to hand out candy which I always enjoy but she has been in bed sick the past couple days so suggested I stay home instead. I didn’t have food for Booda thinking she’d be cooking him dinner so drove through the Boston Market takeout. The same lady at the window last night was there again today and I explained my dilemma to her of not really liking to cut meat off the bone and she said, “honey, you just ask for me, Jackie, and we’ll do it for ya!” I am so totally stoked now. A side order of chicken for him last night was $5.00 (pre-cut) and a whole chicken today was about $8.00. God Bless Jackie!

Anyway, too bad my addictions and unconscious behavior like eating and drinking to divert my attention no longer work. Running out to wine and dine this evening wasn’t gonna cut it as I’m too damn conscious of what feelings I would be trying to mask. The truth of the matter is all I want to do tonight is be with my Cali pothead soul mate or else the new guy from a couple weeks ago. This new guy really did have the opportunity to capture my attention and potentially more but if he’s not gonna make a move, then I have no option but to long for the known entity of Cali dude. Long gone are the days of meeting someone new and pining like a teenage girl hoping he’s gonna call or take some initiative. Either a cat can step up to the plate and run with the opportunity presented to him or not. I have little tolerance for the ones who choose not to as I follow opportunities and leads all the time despite fears or uncertainties.

A little part of me was missing living in Marin tonight too until realizing the only reason I miss being there is because of HIM. What would I be doing there tonight? Sitting at home longing for him if we weren’t together, so there ya go. I don’t even feel like having any wine. Well, I had a glass of Hahn Estates chardonnay but that was nothing to change my point of view on anything. It just added some calories to me as I skipped dinner. What is white wine in Weight Watchers terms – like 3 points?

I finally finished reading Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes and enjoyed how he believes our unhappiness stems from being addicted to outcomes versus having a preference for outcomes. So, my preference is to be with Cali pothead soul mate tonight but it’s not gonna upset me that I’m not. According to Keyes, the things he calls addictions that upset us have to do with things having to do with security, sensations and power. Security can make you preoccupied with food, shelter or whatever you equate with personal security. Sensations are just that and primarily include sex. Power is about dominating and manipulating others. Once one works through his/her issues in all these three areas, one can then move up the ladder so to speak and begin to live life from a more heart centered, preference based, conscious state. So, tonight I could have very well gone out to dinner and partook in some great wine and fun but it would merely be appeasing the security/sensation levels and only masking the real desires going on within.

Therefore, not running away from or masking my true desires gave me plenty of time to discover some new sites and listen to a bunch of interviews on the internet: Militia Radio, The Waterman Files, and Let the Truth be Known. There is so much interesting shit out there, it’s incredible.

The Waterman Files is a pseudonym for a man broadcasting from the U.S. via a radio link in the Netherlands…interesting, huh?

I never knew what militia meant – I thought it was crazy people like the Waco bunch, not that they were specifically crazy or anything but I thought it meant renegades and weirdos. Turns out it is simply a bunch of guys in a community banning together to stand up for our rights and for the Constitution. Pretty cool, right? To find out about your local militia to back your ass if things hit the fan, enclose $2, 4 stamps and a return address and ask for ECOM CON info (emergency communication contact info) by writing to the following:

PBN
P.O. Box 194
Dexter, Michigan 48130

Supposedly there was an incident in Kansas this past week where local law enforcement officials strong armed their way into one man’s home and within seconds the local militia got involved and an aggressive stance by the law enforcement became a discussion instead.

Now, I’m listening to Clif High’s current web bot report and something fascinating he pointed out is if anyone is facing foreclosure, now is the time to stand up to the bank and kick their ass instead of laying down and rolling over. Ain’t that the shit?! It’s what people should have been doing from the start but that whole legal process is quite daunting, which I know from first hand experience of having 6 houses in foreclosure simultaneously. I’ve only lost one so far and wouldn’t be suprised if I get that back as I got back another one after it foreclosed too.

So, there’s my Halloween festivities. No Illuminati blood ritual sacrifices for me, no eating candy (though one of my assistants left some Wal-mart trail mix with M&M’s I snagged a couple bites of) and no trick or treating. Sure, I have preferences to be doing other things this evening but am totally content and it feels really good.

Don’t you? Seeing ugly people in the store in front of you in the checkout line? Seeing ugly little kids with runny noses and constant sneezing? Seeing gnarly men try to pick you at a restaurant?

Now, before you get all pissed off, please let me explain. I read energy and am uber-sensitive to the energy of those I encounter. So, if someone’s energy field is cloudy and grey and filled with hate and anger and disparaging thoughts about themselves, no matter if they look like a model, this is what I pick up on and read. This is the ugliness I hate.

It has nothing to do with one’s physical being. There are plenty of people not pleasing to the eye in the classical sense who have the loveliest souls and light emanating from them you just want to reach out and cuddle. You know who comes to mind? Susan Boyle, the singer. She certainly didn’t win any beauty pageants prior to her debut, but from the first moment I laid my eyes on her, I could see the light emanating from within and totally adored her. And, “ugly” little deformed animals? Oh my God, I pay extra, extra attention to them and love them beyond belief!!!

We are entering a new era of being where the old paradigms no longer serve and we are no longer able to hide behind masks. The true light within is starting to shine through be it brilliant or dull. It’s not enough to eat organic and exercise diligently if one is not also tending to any issues within needing to be addressed. On my recent trip to L.A., I saw plenty of gorgeous bodies, but the souls looking out from some of the eyes and the aura around these people were not very pleasing in the least bit. So, it didn’t matter how tight the body was in the end. Of course, there were also some total buff hotties with awesome energy – I’m thinking of Mr. black Porsche 911 with long hair at the stairs, hhhmmmm…wouldn’t mind partaking in some of that energy…but, I digress.

A new friend invited me to listen to music one night at a nightclub. This girl is very pretty, stylish and chic. I met her at the store she works in and she invited me out that very night once she heard I just left the drug addict I was in love with and had no plans for the evening other than to cry at home. At the lounge, she ordered scallops served on shells and a very Bohemian, gypsy looking big girl sitting across from us mentioned how good they looked. Without a thought, my new friend passed the plate to this stranger and offered her to eat one before she had the chance to eat any and then engaged in a lively discussion with the woman. Such generosity and kindness only added to her physical beauty. And, it turns out the Bohemain gypsy woman was not only a kind soul but also a Reiki healer and emanated plenty of light in her own right.

The point I am trying to make is each and every one of us has the potential to be beautiful no matter his/her physical attributes. There is no reason not live in a world where each and every person is striving to be their personal best on both the inside and on the outside. And, there is no reason we cannot help one another each become our personal best. The days of competition, greed, selfishness (aka, ugliness) have simply got to end. These attributes haven’t worked so far, have they? It is time to live in a more cooperative, helpful society where one higher up on the ladder takes time out to help another lower on the ladder up to see the view.

Each of us, if we so choose, has the power to create beauty all around us in the world, of this I am certain.

Was invited to a friend’s 20 year high school reunion last night to be her walking psychic…to read people, pick up on energy, etc. etc. It was a miserable rainy day and at the last minute she said I didn’t have to go if I really didn’t want to…yeah! Though I totally would have gone to support her. Instead, I stayed home on this rainy Saturday night watching internet videos, including Zeitgeist 2, which made me very happy. My little pot smoking experiment this past week made my body really tired so the additional rest was welcome.

Google searching led to Google searching and before you know it I was seeing if there was any more press available on my Cali pothead soul mate’s band. Google searching at night is just as bad as drinking and dialing for a booty call. Anyway, I know this band is finally his ticket to stardom if he does not kill himself with drugs and despair prior to the train leaving the station. Their songs are really good, the dynamic between the band mates is there and one of the members of the band has a super famous dad…I mean super famous.

Lo and behold the band now has their own YouTube channel with their very first video posted with something like two subscribers and seven viewings. I also found a blog comment from a recent show in the South Bay talking about the awesome front man leading the band singing…said soul mate. The dude responsible for getting them online is the old long white hair hippie I met at rehearsal with whom I shared lots and lots of similar thinking on aliens, Illuminati, real world affairs, etc. While lying in bed with my Cali pothead soul mate, I told him I believed this man to be very, very special – like an angel in their midst diligently working to get them to the next level. This guy is so funny. He lives on his boat and also on his Winnebago type vehicle he parks in the ghetto at night and gets into fights with the meter maids over.

Anyway, how did it feel to see him singing online and finally en route to the success I have known he could achieve since I met him when no one else believed in him over these past 12 years?

Bittersweet.

Bittersweet for a variety of reasons. We are not together. We are not able to be together yet. He is a drug addict who has very few clear moments these days. Though I can accept a great deal in order to be with my strongest known soul mate to date, I cannot accept having a relationship with someone who would be available only about 5% of the time, if even that. That would be so degrading to me despite the immense joy and love I feel during that 5% of the time.

Bittersweet because what if I don’t meet another with whom I feel such feelings? Intense romance, love and joy are the most important things in life and I could not bear to go on if they are not a part of my life. I am not talking about the “normal” love one feels for a partner and sets up house and family and a normal existence. I am talking about the Heaven on Earth experience of nothing else being real except the passionate poetic feelings you experience with one another. And knowing that nothing else in the world matters except being with that person. It is a feeling of joy and of touching one another’s soul to the core kind of love. Sadly, I do think many “settle” in love instead of waiting for this grand love. But, I get other people have different priorities like having a family, having stability, etc. I say fuck all that mundane stuff – none of it matters to me. Grand love is the most important thing in my life. I did not travel back here and agree to incarnate on this planet at this time of chaos and change for 2.5 kids, a Volvo and a house in the suburbs.

Luckily, I am open to the fact I may meet someone with whom I share an even greater bond than I do with Cali pothead soul mate. One of my past lives involved a King and a very, very intense love affair. My bond with him was supposed to have been much stonger and much grander than this one. So, if I am not going to be with the singer in a reasonable amount of time, then I humbly request, no fuck that, I demand the Universe bring on a greater bond…pronto!

The last bittersweet is because this singing cat is the ultimate mirror for me. It’s funny how I never realized that until about a month ago and it only took 12 years to see…go figure. I have gotten so mad at him for avoiding following his path to stardom and lamented repeatedly on how he’s throwing it all away. Well, hello…right back at ya Master of Light Chick. Couldn’t someone say the exact same thing about you? What’s up with you avoiding the path you are meant to take? Which is exactly what my Marin County friends would always say to me – they continually saw something greater in me than I could ever see in myself.

So, seeing him stepping on the path to stardom is igniting my fire to do the same. I am blessed to have several channels already in place to take me to higher levels. It would have really sucked for me to still be treading water for survival and see him step onto his destined path. I couldn’t deal with him being on stage as the super star with me being in the audience as merely one of his unknown admirers. That’s not me. I am meant to be just as much of a super star. So, for this realization and reignited spark towards achieving my own goals, I thank him. All those tears shed have gotta be worth something, don’t they?

Here is the response I got from my temp employee about not returning all the money back I paid her…

tell me what’s right you racist classist selfabsorbed fake

i don’t want anything else to do with you, and i’m terribly sorry that
this has turned into a flame war. but whatever. good luck with the
books. (SIC)

Ok…I’m Racist? Hhmmm, you are white, I am white, we grew up in the same area of Connecticut, don’t get how I’m racist? My last real boyfriend was black and from Africa? So many of my “girl” friends have girlfriends. Another boyfriend was from the Dominican Republic and owned a restaurant in the ghetto-Bridgeport slums? Hhmmm, still don’t get this?

Classist – ok, how in the world would a true classist be in love with a drug addicted alcoholic addict whose blow up bed you would happily share in the midst of the automotive garage he is now living in versus staying at the $500/night Hotel Bel Air in utter luxury and tranquility?

Self-absorbed – I fucking wish. Wouldn’t it be way more awesome to be self absorbed about my hair, my abs, my wardrobe, etc. vs. being worried about the Illuminati, alien agendas, assassinations at conferences I attend, etc. Boy, would that be an ultimate luxury I would most definitely embrace. Yeah, I totally fucking wish I would become more self-absorbed. This point is one over which I just may do sub-conscious programming to get into my energetic field…yeah becoming self-absorbed would totally rock!

Fake – again, I refer the reader to the above quote. And, how is it to be fake to own a shitload of properties and a couple businesses? What in the world is fake about that?

When I told my mom all this, she says…”I didn’t trust her when I met her. She was too quite.” You know, I kinda agree, it’s the quiet ones who are harboring unknown currents beneath the surface. It’s the loud asses like me you can trust and believe in and know aren’t bullshitting you.

____________

You know what’s totally uncool about this all? You can’t imagine how much it really sucks to be the BOSS. Those “beneath” you and I don’t mean that literally…it’s those you pay to get a job done…seem to conjure up grandiose scenarios about those who pay them. I live in a nice house with a pool, drive a Porsche and have a cute dog. So, you want to conjure up all these excesses about my lifestyle? Well…

I don’t yet have that private plane I covet so I can travel bi-coastaly with said dog instead of having someone watch him in Connecticut and missing him. Just kidding but not really. It’s a dream and so what if my dreams are different than yours. I also want to build and support no-kill animal shelters in my area. This is something I should be able to fund already. Doesn’t it hurt the same to not live up to the potential you know you can achieve no matter the level of one’s dreams?

…let’s simply look at the foreclosures, bankruptcies, lawsuits, etc., I am currently dealing with and trying to clear off my plate – one matter alone a normal functioning adult would literally kill themselves over…only one…throw on a whole smorgasbord of crap and stand in front of a Blackwater, oh sorry, Xe, firing squad and you’d be amazed I’m still alive. Combine that kind of shit with trying to start new kick-ass businesses to produce income so I can actually afford to live…I mean to keep the utilities on let alone eat. If those businesses don’t succeed, then I am not really that far away from suicide. Oh, I’m definitely too much of a wuss to do it myself…instead I would pray daily to be in a car accident or hit by a cab or something.

So, if worrying about how to pay another’s salary in order to grow your business to be able to not only live but thrive and not only help yourself and others makes you open to being called a racist, classist, self-absorbed fake..then I must be one. Yeah, right you fucking c u next Tuesday temp employee. That’s just not a nice thing to say to someone you barely know. If you could only have some humility to see the reality beyond the mirror, boy oh boy, would you be shocked and ashamed of yourself for saying such unkind things.

_____________

But, thank you for saying that about me…otherwise, I would have chosen another topic on which to comment this evening. Or, instead I may have continued with my pot smoking experiment instead of popping open the Dom Perignon. ( I don’t really even dig champagne all that much…a good Chardonnay or Pinot Noir both make me very happy…or the “Jesus Juice” I enjoy drinking, aka, Red Truck for about $8/bottle.)